Waking up in the middle of the day with a new video to watch, the smell of spam, a quiet phone, and a room in need of some tidying up, a thought lingers in the edges of my mind.
When I was young, I always imagined life to be a lot different from what it is now. I envisioned helicopters, suits and ties, a big office with a pretty view of the bustling city. I saw myself living in a big glass house, young and satisfied with life, living every day like I was just playing Monopoly. Rolling the dice and hoping I land the best spot on the board.
I always believed that I had everything planned out and that whatever comes my way, I can get through it. What I didn’t realize until now, is that there is no ultimate bliss of certainty. Every once in a while, you doubt your plans, visions, creations, and at some point, yourself. Today is one of those days.
As I roam restless in my humble abode, I’m haunted by the indefinite choices of tomorrow, the fear of making that one wrong move that obliterates my persona, the one dive in reality that unhinges my sanity, afraid of taking another step forward yet refusing to be pushed back.
I reached the point where I hold back the confidence to go to work, thinking I haven’t been doing a great job. Crunching up numbers, reviewing bank accounts, checking my calendar, and forcing myself to not close my eyes, because every time I do, I dig deep into a rabbit hole of thoughts, incapabilities, uncertainty, right and wrong choices, love, sex, memories, life, and the future.
Awaiting clarity. Yearning for sunshine. Fast-Forward please.